Lost in a Downward Spiral

"The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live."

Fast forward to May 2015 (eight months down the road) since I’ve written anything or even visited this blog, but I guess it was for good reason. Thursday October 16, 2014 was the day I finally lost it after about a few months of a fast downward spiral, in which I fell deeper and darker than ever before…

I thought I could handle it, deal with it, overcome it, or at least put it on the back burner thinking that since I’ve lived like this for years prior it would die down and this is just life, the way it is and will be. But, man, was I fooling myself…You always hear that ignoring or neglecting things like this will most likely make things worse, but I never thought it would ever lead to me actually acting on my thoughts of suicide.

My depression, anger, and anxiety were definitely getting the best of me and consuming me (and had been for a very long time), and it was taking a serious toll on my mental state, my physical body, my relationships, and my life in general. All I thought about, all I wanted to do, and all I ultimately did was escape my mind, my body, my life, whether it be through extreme exercise, drug and alcohol use, cutting, anything and everything in between that would numb the pain. The sadness, confusion, and anger were so deep and painful that at times my chest would physically hurt – like my heart was literally aching, breaking, and slowly dying. I felt like I was suffocating and falling apart on the inside.

What I didn’t pay attention to (and didn’t want to pay attention to) was how bad this affected my physical body and health over time. I was deteriorating from the inside out. I seemed to always be sick, I continued to lose weight, and I pretty much stopped taking care of myself. It got to the point that I was so disgusted by myself and hated myself so much that I couldn’t even look in the mirror. Now I barely recognize that girl that stares back at me, and I realize that I lost her a long time ago…

For whatever reason this time around and for the first time in my life, I want so much to get her back, to get to know her, and to ultimately love her unconditionally. For those of you out there who can relate, I want you to know that no matter how hard it is, how overwhelming and painful it is, and how deep the self-loathing and self-worth is, it is never too late to start your path to recovery, to gaining your life back, to discovering your self-worth, to living your life. It is no doubt a challenge and a very long, tough road to continue to follow without wanting to give up all the time, but you and only you are worth living for – don’t EVER forget that.

#imbalance #mentalillness #medication #psychiatry #therapy #depression #anger #rage #anxiety #sickness #selfworth #selfloating #selfhatred #recovery #suicide