3 months and 12 days! This is the amount of time since I've been medication free. What a feeling! A year ago, I would have never thought this would ever be a possibility. Not only did I believe that based upon how bleak and dark life seemed at the time, but also I believed it based upon what others told me, especially from my doctor.
Here's some of the most impactful statements she said to me during our appointments...
"You'll have to be on medication the rest of your life."
"If you go off medication, you WILL end up in another hospital."
"You should really re-think about having children of your own. You know this is passed on genetically, and so most likely they will suffer just like you. Why not look into other options? Like adoption, or maybe you could just see how it goes with more pets."
"You know part of your diagnosis is to deny everything. You think you don't need the medication, but you really do. Just accept that this is part of your life going forward, because medication will soon be your best friend."
"God mad Atavan for people like you."
"Jacob (my future husband, biggest supporter, and love of my life) is toxic. He is only aggravating all your symptoms. You should really think about your relationship, and whether it is making things worse for you at this time. You may want to consider moving back in with your parents for the time being, and when you are in San Diego, maybe you should sleep in separate rooms."
These are the types of things that I would hear one to two times a week at my doctor's appointments, and, unfortunately, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I left those appointments feeling worse, crying, sweating, shaking with fear and doubts, and thinking, "Wow, I really am f*cked up. I am a mess. She's right, something is wrong with me."
So what did I start doing based upon my vulnerability and self-loathing emotions? I started pushing everyone away, especially those closest to me - my parents, my brother, Jacob and his family, and even my bestest of friends. I thought since I was so messed up and unstable, no one should have to deal with my outbursts, depression, and negativity, so in a way I thought I was "saving" them from drowning along with me.
Well, let me tell you...The more I pushed, the more these people tried coming even closer. They refused to leave or be pushed away. They took all the cuss words and spiteful statements at full force without ever leaving my side. I remember specifically one of the poor victims was my older brother Spencer. One night, I just exploded into a rage, kicking and hitting everything in my path and cussing up a storm. I tried everything to get away from my brother to be alone to do something self-destructive because I was hurting so much. He never wavered. He never left. He let me cuss him out and yell at the top of my lungs. And all he says to me is, "Rachel, you can try as much as you want to get away and push me away. You can tell me to 'F*ck off" as much as you want. But I am going to stay with you until this passes. We will never leave you." After that, the rage turned into a water-wall of tears. To think that someone loves you so much to stand by you no matter what is an indescribable, unbelievable feeling, and I will NEVER forget my brother's love, compassion and empathy.
At that moment I saw that my support system would never faulter. I started reflecting more on WHY I felt like I needed to "save" them from my misery, when all they really wanted was to be there for me, love me, show me that I am not the person my doctors say I am, and to make me laugh and smile when I felt like all hope had been lost. My reflection drew me back to all my appointments with my doctor, all the people in my past that I felt judged me for being different, and I realized that the only person who can define who I am, is me. Why am I letting what others say get to me so badly? Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with worrying about what others think about me, but my AWARENESS continues to grow to the point that I can now stop myself before the judging, self-loathing, "I'm-going-to-beat-myself-up" feeling takes over. Sure, I may be "messed up" or "not normal." But like my best friend Jackie said, "What is normal anyway? And who wants to be normal? Normal is boring. I love you!"
So where am I now? In a brighter, hopeful place. A place where I can explore my self-identity without cowering in fear. A place where I can fully express my love for those around me without feeling like I'm not worthy of there friendship and love. Yes, I am still living with my fiance and our awesome puppy, Django, and we are currently planning our wedding and seriously talking about making a family within the next couple of years. Best of all, I am medication free, I am still focusing on my health and wellness with alternative holistic healing, and I am enjoying being alive.