Bottoms Up! The Pill Cocktail

Anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, anti-convulsant, sleep aids.

All can have major benefits, but also detrimental side effects. Yet, a lot of times we don’t pay much attention to those side effects because we think the benefits far outweigh the risks, or we think our doctor knows best, or maybe we just think those side effects will never happen to us.

For all my life, I believed all the above, wanting more than anything to reach the finish line, the end result of stability, “normalcy” (whatever that is…), free of depression, anger, anxiety, hypomania, and all the self-destruction. Since last October, I’ve blindly gone along with my doctor’s orders. I’ve been on eight medications, usually averaging between about four to five at the same time, and my doctor continued to increase all dosages and add more medications into the mix. Even with my patient file right in front of her, she couldn’t keep track of what she prescribed me and when, so she just kept on bringing out her prescription pad on her basis that I am “extremely unstable” and I am “risking ending up in the hospital again.”Sooner than I realized, my doctor seemed to transform into a legal drug dealer who came up with a heavy pill cocktail. Unfortunately, my body, mind, and in turn, my emotional state, paid all the consequences.

To give you an idea, here’s a little timeline:

1. October 2014 – hospital put me on Zoloft because I had been on it before (quick fix in the doctor’s eyes) & Restoril for sleep

2. November 2014 – psychiatrist continued me on Zoloft and added Gabapentin (a.k.a. Neurontin)

3. December 2014 – replaced Zoloft with Vibryyd; increased Gabapentin; added Klonopin (a.k.a. Clonazepam) and Atavan (a.k.a. Lorazepam)

4. January 2015 – took out anti-depressants because she diagnosed me with type II bipolar disorder and started me on Latuda and Lamictal (a.k.a. Lamotrigine); increased Gabapentin to 2400mg and then 5 days later to 3600mg; increased dosage of Klonopin and Atavan to up to 4 times a day as needed

5. February 2015 – she got me arrested and put me in another hospital again who switched the Latuda and Lamictal to Seroquel, then when hospital released me I slowly got off Seroquel since I could barely function and put back on Lamictal; Gabapentin remained at 3600mg; and psychiatrist increased dosages and quantities/day of both Klonopin and Atavan

6. March 2015 – psychiatrist continued to increase everything but the Gabapentin

Then, April 8, 2015 marked my shift in awareness and my true road to recovery. I had been experiencing weird physical changes that I thought were no big deals – my vision started to flutter and shake which effected my reading; my speech started to slur and I couldn’t think of certain words; my hair had started to really shed during and after each shower; and I just felt like I had a minor case of the flu everyday.

I didn’t want to believe it was the medication causing these physical damages. I never heard or saw any of these side effects from any of the medications I have been taking (nor did my psychiatrist ever mention them) until I stumbled across internet forums that day. I came across discussions solely related to hair loss due to anti-convulsants (i.e., lamictal and gabapentin). People had actually lost almost all of their hair only after a few years and/or extremely high doses! (visit the forum here, and see a list of some, not all, medications that may cause hair loss here).

I completely lost it. I fell off my chair and just cried for hours on the floor. My mind raced around in circles thinking, “I did this to myself. I didn’t research enough. How can a medication that is supposed to help you, do this? How come my doctor never mentioned this? How could anyone in their right mind prescribe this to someone?”

I was devastated. I was sad. I was anxious that all was lost, that the hair damage/loss is permanent, and that the vision and speech impediments are only going to get worse. Overall, I was especially angry and hurt. I knew I had to get off all of it and try a different approach. I would risk any type of breakdown, sickness, or even hospitalization if that meant I could get off these medications and start revitalizing my health. So I pulled myself off the floor, wiped my tears, and I started making my list of damaging symptoms that affected my physical and mental health to take to my psychiatrist that afternoon.

I thought I had enough emotional ammo to fuel the fire and rage inside me to stand up to my psychiatrist, but nothing could prepare me for that appointment with her nor any future appointments…

#antidepressant #antianxiety #antipsychotic #anticonvulsant #sleedaids #medication #prescription #sideeffets #lamictal #lamotrigine #gabapentin #zoloft #neurontin #vibryyd #klonopin #clonazepam #atavan #lorazepam #hairloss #sickness #sideeffects #vision