Treading in the Darkness

I told myself when I started this blog that I was going to write at least every other day, and it’s already close to 2 weeks since I’ve created this blog. It’s crazy how depression can really crush all of your motivation and determination…to do, well, pretty much anything. It’s not only hard to keep up with a blog, find other new hobbies, and just go out and socialize but it’s hard to even get out of bed in the morning, go to work, cook, clean and at the worst of times to even shower, eat, stay hydrated. Depression has a force that can eat you from the inside out.

I remember during one of the darkest of times, I went from 125-130 lbs to about 112-114 lbs to the point where my parents got a little worried that I wasn’t eating. I exercised on the extreme end, and the depression killed my appetite and I didn’t eat as much as I should have to stay healthy. (Looking back on it, I would have probably been considered anorexic….)

Flash forward to today and I’m falling as deep as I was during those darkest of days – hard to get out of bed, no appetite, barely drinking water, and way, way worse things to myself; all I want to do is sleep, not feel anything anymore…. I’ve thought so hard about when did this all start? How did I get here? It’s disturbing yet kind of refreshing to think back on it all. It’s refreshing in that I’ve realized the more I reflect, the more I understand and learn about my depression and realize that I really HAVE come a long way. However, it’s even more disturbing in how the depression has developed, changed, and even created more horrific, terrible thoughts in my head over 10 years later.

However, the one difference there is today versus 12 years ago is that I actually took the first step towards getting help – I admitted to myself and then my parents that I need professional help, therapy and possibly medication again. There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about when it comes to mental illness, therapy, medication, etc. All those people who call us “crazy”, “psycho”, “basket case”, or whatever, they most likely have their own problems and possibly even worse ones than what we suffer from, yet they’ll just never get the help that we’re getting for ours….

#bipolardisorder #rage #anxiety #therapy #sickness #psychiatry #medication #anger #recovery #anorexia #selfhatred #selfworth #mentalillness #depression #imbalance #selfloating