Exploring Our Self-Identity

"Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I the way I am? Why can’t I just be _______?"

At some point in our lives, we all ask these questions of ourselves. Some may have it figured out, others may be exploring, and others may be struggling to even ask them because they aren’t ready or they fear what’s on the other side.

SELF-IDENTIFICATION can be terrifying. We all struggle to be true to ourselves, to live our lives as we choose for ourselves (rather than just for others), and really embracing our identity, our inner self absent of doubt, fear, denial, guilt, and expectations. Trust me, when I first started asking these questions back in high school, I felt like I was entering into a dark tunnel with no light in sight. I had no clue where to even start. I felt overwhelmed, anxious, scared, doubtful, confused, angry, and underneath it all, plain sad.

This exploration of yourself is a journey, and will probably not happen overnight, but keep with it because overall and in the end it is a beautiful, explorative experience that you will cherish forever.

My journey started with knowing myself as a fire starter – my anger would take over and I’d explode. I’d walk out on or yell at people, punch holes in walls, break and smash things, and even get in some fights throughout high school into college. The anger was not only directed outwards, but mostly at myself. I always thought to myself that I have so many things to be thankful for in my life, so why am I so f***ing angry at the world? I was even angry that I was angry! I didn’t understand why certain things even just small ones set me off.

Not until much later, did I start understanding what my therapist had been trying to help me with for quite awhile – that is, that usually extreme rage masks a much deeper, dark sadness. Unfortunately, my parents received the short end of the stick. They had to deal with so much – fixing holes in walls, seeing me come home with split lips or bruises from fighting, and endless fear and sadness of not knowing what is going on or what to do to help their youngest child.

I remember a specific instance when my Mom actually made it to one of my soccer games in high school and it was such a treat because my parents constantly worked running the family business. Yet, my anger got the best of me when I got elbowed in the face busting my lip open. Right in front of my Mom on the sideline, I turned towards the player, cussed her out, and blatantly hit her to the ground. Of course I was instantly thrown out of the game, and till this day I’ll never forget the look on my Mom’s face.

This resulted in more rage, more sadness because I felt like I disappointed her, failed her, embarrassed her. I felt so much shame, which resulted in me really beating myself up over it. Unfortunately, that guilt, embarrassment, shame, fear of failure and disappointment really started to show their true colors throughout my personal life, especially in my relationships. One of the most significant instances is when I found myself in an abusive relationship which lasted over a span of 5 years. As a result of all these emotions, the way I felt about myself, and the way I thought my parents would react towards me and this whole mess, I hid a lot of the abuse and the extreme self-destruction from my parents.

I found that I really despised myself, and as you may have heard somewhere along the line that the way we feel about ourselves is how we will feel like we deserve to be treated by others. I feel that self-love is one of the most important qualities to have because no matter how much support and love you have from others, at the end of the day YOU are the only one who will really watch out for yourself.

Explore your identity, start your journey towards self-love, hold your truth and self-worth close to your heart. Remember, you are not alone in this. If you feel like you can’t go to your family (or you don’t have family), look to friends. If you feel like you can’t turn to friends, look into mental health resources like therapists, support groups, hotlines, etc. It is never too late to start turning your life around for the better and to work towards truly embracing who you are.

#anger #selfhatred #selfworth #depression #selfloating #selfidentity #abuse #innerself #rage