How Did I Get Here?

At the age of 15, I fell into a deep, unnerving darkness, and ever since then I have struggled to dig myself out. I’ve thought back to that year many times; even though I have realized a few of my tipping points (just recently), I wonder what happened that made me fall so hard this time around to the point that I thought I wouldn’t be able to pick myself back up again? Round and round in my head I think, “What’s wrong with me? I have the most wonderful, supporting family, the greatest friends anyone could ever have, a loving fiancee, I live in one of the best cities in the country (San Diego :-)), and most importantly, I’m ALIVE!”

So then why can’t I get my head above the darkness…? Why and HOW does the darkness make me feel like it’s eating me alive? Some days I tread in the darkness, snap out of it, and go about my day, hoping I can stay above it. Others, it consumes me – I can barely get out of bed, I have no appetite, I just can’t function, and in the end I fall dead to the world and in a way to myself.

I’ve done years of psychiatry (medication included), endless hours of talk therapy, excessive exercise, emotional highs and lows, the desire to just give up on life, and let’s face it, lots of drugs and alcohol, to drag myself up or at least to temporarily shield it.

I’ve always been a roller coaster with my big ups and my really low downs, but somehow, somewhere , I went back down again….HARD.

After all of these years, I’ve at least learned to recognize the signs of me falling back down, and this time around I thought I’d try something new by filtering my emotions and sharing some of my experiences through this log. I know that at the very least it would help me understand this roller coaster a little bit more, and at the very most I hope it may help someone else struggling with the same darkness and to show that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can break out from the darkness and live life to the fullest, let’s help each other get there!

#mentalillness #depression #anxiety #psychiatry #therapy #medication #imbalance #bipolardisorder #anorexia